When the Guilt of Your Past...

I've never been one to talk much about my mother. Something I always envied my sister for her ability to be vocal. When I was younger, it was because I was ashamed. I didn't understand Multiple Sclerosis, a disease for which my mother had been diagnosed. Then as her condition continued to fluctuate and progressively get worse, I periodically lashed out accused her of faking it and being lazy and not wanting to try harder to over come. I didn't understand how the same mind that was so sharp and strong when it came to punishing me when I did wrong was also the same mind slowly being overtaken by neurological damage.

I didn't understand and more importantly, I didn't want to. I stopped going places with my mother because I was embarrassed. I remembered the days of her walking me and my sister to the bus stop, the days of her running around the church during praise and worship, the days of her jumping up and down in our apartment hallway because she wanted to show how she was fighting MS. I remembered those days and in an effort to remember them I refused to acknowledge how things were changing.

As my mother's condition debilitated, I was able to hold on to my ignorance. I was the youngest of two, three years my sister's junior. At 14 when my sister got her first job and assumed her caretaker role, I was too young. Three years later when I was 14, I was living with my dad. I moved in him when I was 13, because while I thought I was being the typical disrespectful pre-teen, I didn't realize that my mother's condition couldn't handle the stress that my actions were placing on her. So I lived with my dad until the summer before my sophomore year, because my sister was off to college and my mother needed me. I resented this time period. I felt abandoned by my dad, and I blamed my mom. "If she was well, I would still be living with my dad."

Everyday after school, I came home and went straight to my room. I would stay in there until my mom knocked on my door and told me she was on her way to her MS meeting or on her way to church or even on her way to bed. At 16, when I should have been stepping up to the plate, I was selfishly reverting back to my childhood and refusing to be the help my mother needed. Until one day I came home from work and my mother was laying on the floor. She couldn't get back into her wheelchair, which was happening frequently. "Brittany, can you help me get up?" I struggled with my mom, for about 15-20 minutes trying to get her into her chair. The brakes weren't sturdy and the chair wasn't well built so every time I tried to lift her it slid back. So finally we gave up, for the night, and we went to sleep on the floor together. That was one of the first times her struggle REALLY hit me. By then I was 17, graduating from high school and off to college within the next three months.

Rock the Red Pump: It's National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day!

I sit here trying to come up with a cute or funny little anecdote to share with you all to introduce the topic of my post. Well, because we all know HIV/AIDS is serious and I didn't want you to tune out or click "X" before you read what I had to say. Then I realized what a disservice I would be doing to all of those who are infected or affected by this disease. The culture of apathy that is manifests itself in ignorance is the reason why I refuse to be "cute" about this subject. HIV/AIDS is serious and no matter how uncomfortable it makes you and I, I stand on the believe that I have a bigger obligation.

I have a voice that needs to be heard and a story that needs to be told. This is not a story of "the day I found out I was infected," but it is a story of "the day I found out I was affected." See, we all tend to live in our little bubbles because its easier to pretend that the person who looks just like you that you pass on the street, wave to in the park, compliment at the club, or lament over the price of fruit with at the grocery store may have HIV or AIDS.We ignore what we don't want to accept and we mock what we don't understand.

Which is why I started "Rocking the Red Pump." I Rock the Red Pump as to combat my own ignorance, my own fears, & my own misconceptions. I believe that awareness starts with self. Self education, self determination, and most importantly self respect. As a woman, I often find myself stuck with a childish mentality that causes me to worry about respecting his ego more important than respecting our bodies. I often worry about the ways he will read into me asking for more protection. Will he think that I am sleeping with more than one person? Will he get offended and think I am assuming he is infected?

Too often my questions centered around him. His feelings, his perceptions, his stereotypes. So now I Rock the Red Pump because it reminds me that I come first. That my status and my safety are imperative. I Rock the Red Pump, because HIV/AIDS matters and if ever I were to leave an impression on this earth, I would want to do so spreading awareness and doing it while wearing fabulous shoes. ;-)

Black Genocide: Accountability and Abortion

***PLEASE, before you read this post, go over The FreshXPress and read 21st Century Genocide of Black Babies? This is actually a comment I left over there that I turned into a blog post. I don't care where you comment, or if you comment, but I just thought this was a great discussion from The FreshXPress, that needed to be shared.

First let me say, that I have not been a fan of Planned Parenthood in the longest amount of time. Some are for reasons stated in this article and some are actually for reasons directly opposite. It is no secret that Planned Parenthood is known to be skeevy when it comes to covering up wrongful abortions, etc. However, they also have their hand in wrongfully discouraging abortions.

The last semester of my senior year in college, I became familiar with a young lady who worked very heavily in reproductive justice. In speaking with her, I was able to gather a different perspective of PP. One of the things she told me was how she talked to women who went into PPs and were shown videos of late term abortions, even if the women need no more than a pill in order to terminate pregnancy. So, they have played both sides of the fence.

Also, there are abortion groups who crusade against Planned Parenthood, because of the lack of affordability of services provided in these communities. Abortions typically start at $430 dollars and increase the further along in pregnancy. So while these centers may set up shop in minority communities they aren’t necessarily the greatest resource. Another thing to mention, in the spirit of discreteness, Planned Parenthood centers erected in minority communities often host white women who travel from their communities, to get services performed. So while they are in our communities and make abortions more obtainable it isn’t always about marketing to black women.

Additionally, there has to be some accountability. Black women over twenty five make up a larger percentage of those who get an abortion. Of these women and Black women that are younger, statistics show they are more likely to have one child already. They seek out the clinics, the clinics do not seek them out. Furthermore, we have to be aware of Black women who fought for the accessibility of services such as abortions in our communities. They have become a marginalized voice and as a result their efforts are overshadowed by the fearmongering of genocide.

It was these women who actually fought for establishments like Planned Parenthood to be placed in minority communities to provide safer alternatives. Interestingly, while the article highlights Alveda King as a staunch critic of this “Black Genocide,” she benefited from abortion, twice.

Oh and if they are bringing up Presidents such as Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, George Bush, and President Clinton please throw in President Obama in the mix. You see, we allow ourselves to be narrowminded and blast Planned Parenthood being in our communities and the fact that our taxpayer money goes to fund this operation. However we ignore the fact that Obama is very pro-abortion, including a litmus test on Supreme Court Justices to support having taxpayers fund these abortions. Not only that, but speaking of genocide, Obama supports live birth abortions. How many of you all going so hard against planned Planned Parenthood voted for Obama? Things that make you go hmmm… ain’t it?

While we are not completely beyond the days of forced sterilizations, there has been great progress in combating that injustice. Furthermore, beyond the scope of Planned Parenthood in our communities that activists say market to minority women, we cannot turn our focus away from societal factors that actually make abortions seem like the better “choice.” I use “choice” loosely because there are a obviously a myriad of constraints such as economic and institutional factors, that often restrict choices for women of color. Nevertheless, we should not be seen as passive victims, always under the preying eye of Planned Parenthoods.

Besides, when African American women make up 72 percent of the new HIV/AIDS cases it’s obvious that there is correlation somewhere with both disease rates and abortion rates based on the the fact that we are not protecting ourselves. That should also be one of the real issues that gets tackled in our communities, before we start going in on Planned Parenthood.

Black people throw fits about the 70 percent of African American babies being born out of wedlock. Which in turn is mind boggling to me how we turn around and throw fits about Planned Parenthood in communities, when in fact, like it or not, without Planned Parenthood that number of OOW babies would be higher. We are a community of hypocrisy and sometimes I believe laziness when it comes to tackling the real issues. All in all, Planned Parenthood isn’t the end all and be all of “Black Genocide.”

#MusicMonday - What Did They Say?

***Note: Okay, so I have decided that while I'm trying to get myself in the habit of posting a lot more frequently on my blog, I'm going to start some segments on my blog in order to keep me motivated. So that means even if I don't do a regular blog post equipt with poignant pontifications of me shooting the sh-- I mean breeze, you will still get one post. If you are on Twitter you have heard of the Trending Topic that makes it's way up the list on the first day of the work week called #MusicMonday. Well, I have decided to bring that over to Black is Breezie and add my own spin to it.


Let me say this for the most part, my posts will be dedicated to music that I grew up on. Until I simply cannot think of anymore, I will be posting music for nostalgia's sake.


With that being said...


Close your eyes but leave them open, and go back with me to the days of CD players and Walkmans that only had three buttons, you know play, rewind, and stop. Go back to the days of 56K dial-up, when internet was used sparingly and for important things like chat-rooms, not for looking up song lyrics. Now remember the days, sitting Indian style on your bed, headphones on your ear, pad of paper in your lap and pen in your hand listening to your favorite song trying to figure out what in the world was being said? I know I certainly do, and this #MusicMonday post is dedicated to the few songs that had me wondering "What Did They Say?"

Top 5 "What Did They Say?" List

No. 5:

 

"You Make Me Wanna Leave the one I'm with and start a new relationship with you, this is what you do...think about her and err-uhh..." Don't act like it was just me. While I didn't spend my time trying to figure out the entire song, that chorus tripped me up. I was walking around singing think about her and a ring... Then finally, one day Usher was on WGCI and they asked him what he said, "Think about her and all the things that comes along with..." That was it... yes there's a weird dragging part after her, but it's simply to fill the beat. No worries.




No. 4:

Please don't try to play me like Dru Hill was not a hot group. Yes, I sat around trying to figure out what was going on in this song. However, all the time I spent trying to figure out what they were saying could have been avoided if someone had just told me that "Remix" meant they had already made this song and it was about 3/8ths slower. On the flip side, I was able to master Ja Rule's and Nokio's rap... lol




No. 3

Okay, nevermind the fact that the dubbing is off in this video and it looks like a Chinese movie with English overlay. Despite the fact that I was 11, this song was a must know and thanks to my overzealous efforts as a preteen, to this very day I am still able to become the life of the party when this song comes on.




No. 2

 

I don't even think this song needs an explanation or disclaimer as to why I tried to figure out what was being said in this song. It's Kang Miko!!! Besides, after all the money he spent on this video, the least I could do was figure out what he was saying...
 




No. 1 
 


Honestly, it's a tie. I can't figure out which one I wore the grooves out of my cassette tape trying to learn more, but they both come from Chicago's own Twista...

 

 

So those are my top 5... well, top 5 in lieu of having you all curse me out or jump ship all together because there are 50 videos in my post, lol. 

There's No Crying in Step Shows!!!

So, by now I'm sure you have heard of the Sprite Step Off that took place this past weekend in Atlanta, Georgia. If you haven't, basically it was an event for Greek organizations to showcase their talent and become Top Flight Stepper of the World. However, what was supposed to be a celebration of culture, quickly turned into accusations of appropriation, when a Zeta Tau Alpha, a white sorority, took home the championship and $100,000 prize. This decision caused an uproar, characterized by claims that had ZTA been a black sorority they would not have won the competition. Yes, straight whoddickery.

Although, apparently the people at the Sprite Step Off didn't think so. In a text book case of Affirmative Action,  they made up something about there being a scoring discrepancy and declared the ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha, a black sorority, co-champions. Malarkey.


Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am the most militant of the militant and that I will jump at the chance to talk about my irritation with the appropriation of Black culture by the mainstream. As a matter of fact, I actually went searching for the clip with the mindset that Zeta Tau Alpha did not deserve to win. I was biased for no reason. I had heard people complimenting ZTA's performance, but I thought it was akin to that pity "Sing for Jesus, baby" that we give little kids on Easter Sunday who can't hold a note worth a darn. However, after watching the clip, there was nothing negative that I could say. ZTA definitely brought it. Even the audience thought so. The level of excitement for ZTA was undeniable.


UNTIL, they won.


See, Black people don't mind when white people want to be a part of our culture. Matter of fact, if you do it well enough, we'll even give you a black card o__O (See: Bill Clinton, Robin Thicke, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, and John Mayer... wait a minute). BUT, there is one unwritten rule and that rule is, if we let you in the club you better not come out on top.

A similar situation occured last year when Hampton University crowned their first "non-black" Miss Hampton University. The sad part is, I can bet that young lady was friends with a lot of Black people at Hampton, UNTIL she won.

On some level I can understand. Black institutions, inclusive but not limited to Black universities and Greek organizations, were born out of exclusion from white institutions. As a result, there will always be a level of protection and concern when those institutions are infiltrated by outsiders.

Nevertheless, crying foul everytime a white person wins is getting tired. Hell, they just gave us Obama, you don't think they are seeking reparations in any way they possibly can? Kidding. But seriously, I think it's sad the win of ZTA was reduced to reverse Affirmative Action, which in turn gave the AKAs a win I don't believe they deserved or would have pursued had ZTA not been white. See black people, white people aren't the only ones that believe they are entitled to something when they are in the majority. *wink and the gun*


Here are the performances from the step show:

 So... what do you think? Who should have won? You can tell me *doll eyes*

Poetry Slam with Poet Black Ice

So in case you didn't know, I am a huge lover of spoken word. I've been known to dabble in the art a little bit and although I haven't really pursued it personally, I still enjoy hearing it. Well, on February 25th, the University of Illinois at Chicago will be having a Poetry Slam featuring Black Ice. If you don't know who Black Ice is, let me tell you... Well, see for yourself...

*swoon* 

AND




Clawd, I could listen to this man ALL day... *daydreaming*

I remember back to my college days, curling up on the couch at 10:00pm on Wednesdays and watching Def Poetry Jam. That's when I was introduced to Black Ice... again *swoon*. iLove him. Unfortunately, I won't be able to see him tomorrow. My class schedule won't let me be great. However, if you are interested and can make it, put in a good word for me to the homie Black Ice... Thanks.

What:   Poetry Slam with Black Ice
When:  February 25, 2010, 7:00pm
Where: UIC, Student Center East, Room 302, 750 South Halsted
Why:    Cause he's the bomb!

Some People Never Change...

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."

I'm the type of person where if you do wrong by me, I won't automatically cut you out of my life. This goes directly against my nature as a Gemini/Cancer, but what can I say besides I'm a sucker I've learned over the years that people not infallible. Captain Obvious right? You would think. However, it's not that simple. Throughout my life, I have messed people over and had people mess me over. As a result, I tend to feel hypocritical when I remove people from my life that have made a mistake.

I have had "friends" that I've distanced myself from because they never keep their word. I have had guys that I delete from my phone because they lie without a conscience. Yet often, with no provocation, these people resurface in my life with promises of being a better person and I tend to believe them. Why? Well, because I've had to do some groveling before. I've had to reevaluate myself and make a change for the better and when I do, I tend to want to right the wrongs I've made. 

But not everyone thinks like me. Unfortunately. There are people who will simply try to come back into your life because they are, well, they are sadists! Okay, either that or they are just at a moment in their life where they are incapable of change. The reason why they try to come back into your life is not because they really want to make up to you. Instead, they need someone who enables their inadequacies. 

I had an ex-boyfriend once and when he would do something out of control, we would break up, he would apologize, swear that he would change, and I would take him back. The cycle continued until I realized as long as it came to me, he would never change. Now, that's not to say that it wasn't possible for him to grow up and become a better person outside of our relationship. However, based off the things he'd done to me, and the times I had forgiven him, I had already set the standard for how he would continue to treat me. He needed me to enable his inadequacy.

In the end, it's never really about you. It's about them. While it's almost cliche, especially now that life coaches are popping up on every Twitter page and Facebook profile near you, the quote "when someone shows you who they are, believe them," is so true. If you must give people another chance, don't do it blindly. Do not allow someone or yourself to guilt you into accepting them back into your life, especially before they've shown they are capable of changing.